Voldemort Becomes A Liver Donor
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Voldemort discovers that he can produce copious organs inside his body. He decides to give them to other people by launching them through the air at them in a bizarre act called 'air-giving'. Warning contains livers, organs, snot, poop and diarrhea.


Deep in the night in the middle of the Forbidden Forest Lord Voldemort was suffering from insomnia and hayfever. His honking sneezes raidated around the forest and ricocheted of every tree. There was also a lot of mucus and goo which got stuck on the tree branches and dripped onto the centaurs which automatically gave them all boners, but all the dongs dropped off when the acidic snot activated and ate them away leaving dongless horse-men. Every sneeze was agony for Voldemort and the force of his neck muscles contracting as he jerked his head forwards made him shit himself with every sneeze. A river of deep black poop ran through the Forbidden Forest and flooded Hagrid's shack until Hagrid moved out and went to live in the lake with the mermaid people.

The nose job had been a dismal failure for Voldemort because stupid Bellatrix had used candle wax to keep his nose attached and when he had gone back to Albania for vacation...it had melted off in the strong sun. Because he now had no nose again, the snot just jet-propelled out of him like a car pressure washer and it went at such speed it could easily decapitate a man, which is why he went to the Forbidden Forest so he wouldn't keep killing his Deatheaters with snot. Like Lucius Malfoy. Sitting amidst his poop-snot river Voldemort felt a particularly strong sneeze rising inside him - every muscle inside him contracted and strated squeezing him until he began to levitate slightly with the all the energy he was expelling. Suddenly and without warning it was unleashed. A tidal wave of snot and other assorted bodily fluids came shooting out of Voldemort's orifices including his dong-hole and his ears. Most strangely of all he coughed up a whole liver!

It went hurtling through the forest at top speed until Voldemort lost sight of the rogue liver among the trees. He half walked, half swam over to where he thought the liver had gone and instead found Severus Snape floating amidst the fluids and unconscious! He had somehow been concussed by the flying organ and it had merged into his body through his skin magically. Voldemort gasped! He could donate organs just by spitting them at people and they would burrow their way into other people's skin quickly, painlessly and squishily. As a tester he decided to spray more organs at Snape and so pursed his lips and blew. A kidney popped out of his mouth and was quickly assimilated into Snape's forehead.

"Oh no!" Thought Voldemort, "My body is decaying so rapidly that I can vomit up my kidneys!" But then he realised... Not only was he giving someone else his organs bit the livers and kidneys were regrowing and multiplying like breeding rabbits inside of his gut! He had to give to live! He could also sense things from the organs that had squished their way into Snape's body...he could sense Snape's bodily functions! And Snape was unconscious and so did not know that he needed to go to the toilet. He had also eaten something very bad earlier the day and his bowls were groaning with the chilli induced strain. Voldemort psychically told his ex-kidney to make Snape soil himself and IT HAPPENED! A giant blast of slurry erupted from Snape's backside and caused his robes to fly off because of the speed of the diarrhea. It reached Mach 3 in less than 2 seconds!

Voldemort was so happy he left the Forbidden Forest and went to the nearest hospital - which unfortunately happened to be St. Mungo's asylum! He went from ward to ward and killed lots of the orderlies with his honking and yelling of "AVADA KEDAVRA!" He also air-gave livers to all the needy people and even those people who didn't want cursed livers eating their way into their bowels, including Neville's parents! Air-giving happens like this: you purse your lips and blow and out comes a cursed Voldemort organ! It was horrific but a bit useful for those waiting for liver transplants. Lots of people crapped themselves in terror and soon St. Mungo's had to be closed down and fumigated because it smelled so badly of poop. Everyone needed to have emergency surgery in the ER because the cursed livers were turning into crap and causing blood poisoning and peritonitis. Neville's parents sadly died of liver infestation because the evil honker had given them twenty eight livers each.

Voldemort's hayfever was now gone and so he was happy again and went back to the Forbidden Forest 100lbs lighter because of all the snot, poop and livers he had expelled. Snape was rotting in the grass. The Dark Lord then got hayfever again because he didn't realise he was allergic to tree pollen in the forest! He yelled and honked evily and shat out a pancreas which was absorbed into a passing Hogwarts student. All was as it should be in the magical wizarding world!

The end.


End file.
